two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
