Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
