Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
