I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
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