The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
