Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
