Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Randomize
