If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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