there's paper in my vomit.
do herpes really smell.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
