i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
