Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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