After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
