I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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