miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
