she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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