Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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