There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
foreskin is a definite game changer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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