apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
