Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
