Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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