i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Randomize
