She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
