My Higher Power is John Stamos
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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