Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
