I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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