Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Send help, water and tortillas.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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