Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
