You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
