Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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