Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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