We're like a lot better than the average bears
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
