I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
