he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
