dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
