I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
