I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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