let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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