he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
