Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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