I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
