Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
