Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
