i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
