We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
