Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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