i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
