just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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