why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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