Someone shit on the floor
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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