He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
