Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
