I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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