This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
