My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Randomize