i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
