why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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