I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
