i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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