Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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