And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize