I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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